Revival Night

I feel like I need to share what all has been going on with me lately...I mean it has been awhile since my last and only post. This one is a little deeper, so bear with me...(it may be a lot of rambling)...

So this week is Student Revival week which basically means we have student led chapels and evening services of sharing and worship. Well tonight (3/11) I went to the evening service b/c a friend from the soccer team was speaking and that was my main reason of going--to support her. Little did I know, God had something different in mind. For the past however months, 4 maybe 5, I have been completely ignoring God and his call and his Love. "I don't want to deal with it right now...just let me be angry." That anger quickly overcame me and before I knew it I was snapping at friends and loved ones for the littlest things. Yea, yea, they know I've been through some difficult times lately but I could tell I was starting to frustrate them. Nothing hurts me more than to hurt other people...nothing. Whenever I bring tears to a loved one, a deep hurt and sadness overwhelms me. It sucks. Anyways, I've been dealing with a lot of anger..blah blah blah...well tonight my friend Stockton spoke about how we need to be more open with God. We sang some worship songs. My heart was sooo incredibly heavy. It has been heavy for awhile now, but like I said, I've just been ignoring it. This other guy spoke after Stockton. Yea it was good...definetely what I needed to hear. At this point I was on the verge of breaking down. But I was able to hold back the tears; I didn't want to give in. We sang more worship songs after the 2nd speaker was done. We sang a song by Brooke Frasier "None but Jesus" and I would always listen to it when I was having a bad day but I haven't heard it in quite a long time now. Everyone around me was standing up, arms lifted. I just put my head in my hands and prayed. I haven't prayed in a long time (besides the other night, but thats a different story). I asked God to tell me what he wanted me to do...b/c I don't know what to do anymore. I couldn't do it anymore. I asked him to just relieve me of all this crap that continues to surround me and suffocate me. He was telling me to give it to him. That's why his son died...so he could take our sin in exchange we could have his righteousness and love. The next song that we sang was "In Christ Alone". And on the third stanza when it says:

There in the ground His body lay,
Light of the world by darkness slain;
Then bursting forth in glorious day,
Up from the grave He rose again!
And as He stands in victory,
Sin's curse has lost its grip on me;
For I am His and He is mine—
Bought with the precious blood of Christ

I completely lost it. I through my hands in the air. Nothing mattered. My pride of "looking like a fool" had vanished. I stayed until the band was done playing which was at 9:15. We started at 6:30. I've never felt so light....so complete. I got a taste of God's love tonight, and it was good. *Psalm 34:8 "Taste and see that the Lord is good; blessed is the man that takes refuge in him."*

I have to admit, I wasn't looking forward to Mexico. My heart wasn't in the right place. I had a poor attitude. The only thing that could've excited me was the nice, hot weather (which still does :-) don't get me wrong ) But now I feel like I have something to look forward to in Mexico. I'm looking forward to getting my hands dirty for the Lord. I'm looking forward to learning more about myself and how God has made me in a perfect image of beauty, that nobody can take away. I'm his daughter and he loves me. Comprehending this Love will still be a constant struggle. I know it's not a cake walk from here on out. The devil is fighting hard for me, but God is fighting even harder. Story time about the devil...

Just the last night (3/10) I spent the whole evening studying my butt off in the library. It closes at 11 and after that it was such a nice night, I decided to take an evening stroll. I ended up at a park where I usually go when I'm upset and I swang on the swingset for awhile. It was quiet. An eery quiet. I wasn't alone. I looked around at the creeking trees and I noticed a smaller branch that was barely hanging on to the rest of the branch. It must've been broken from the ice storm we had earlier in the year. I compared myself to that broken branch. "That branch is barely hanging on...one more big storm and I'm sure it'll snap and break off." This analogy kind of scared me. As soon as I started poundering about God, and my purpose here on earth I saw a cat appear randomly out of the corner of my eye. I absolutely hate cats!!! This wasn't an ordinary cat...it was a black, lurking cat. It would walk a little bit, then stop and look at me with it's glowing, beating eyes. I know this may sound juvenile, but this cat had something about it that didn't make it just an ordinary cat. Ha. I know, weird. But anyway, I was a little nervous at this point. This stupid cat kept lurking around this tree and moving swiftly towards me. I started to pray. I prayed that God would help deliver me from all this pain, anger, anguish, jealously, lonliness, and all the other emotions that were and have been stirring up inside of me for so long now. I asked God to rid satan away from me and to protect me from him. After I prayed this...the cat started walking towards this little landscaping area with mulch and bushes and little baby trees. Of course I watched its every move it made. I took my eyes off of the cat for maybe 5 seconds. I looked back to the spot where I last saw it in the mulch...but I didn't see it anymore. I looked everywhere for this stupid black cat. It was gone. And I was overwhelmed with a sense of peace. It was weird...but so cool. SO I mean...take that as you want, I could just be over-analyzing this situation, but I felt God's presence and I was at peace. So I walked back to my dorm, being as it was almost 1, WAY past curfew and I had two tests to study for for tomorrow. :-) I like to procrastinate....

But anyways...that is whats up with me. God has been pounding on my heart for sooo long now. I finally accepted that I'm NOT in any way strong enough (which is hard for me to grasp b/c im super strong-willed and independent) to carry any of my own burdens. He's been waiting on me to quit being an idiot and realize this. I just pray I can keep this renewed spirit with me and cling to the promises he has given us. So I end with this verse: "Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be terrified; do not be discouraged, for the Lord your God will be with you wherever you go." I cannot lean on my own strength. It's Gods strength that has pulled me through and will continue to do so all of my days.

**asburysoccer.blogspot.com is where you can go to be updated on our Mexico trip. Somebody will write a little note everynight about what our day entailed. :-)